A few weeks ago, I received an email. The email said this:
Dearest Michele,
We have a present for you! (see below). Hope you like it.
Love,
Mindy & Jenny
p.s. you’re welcome.
p.p.s. it looks like you already have several propositions. check ‘em out.
When they typed “see below,” they were referring to a link that said “WELCOME TO OKCUPID!”
Yes, my friends signed me up for online dating. And before you even start creating hypotheses how this is a likeness to a plot from some romantic comedy, I’d like you to take a minute to consider the caliber of my friendships.
Good. I’m glad you realized these two friends weren’t trying to assist me in my preverbial neverending quest for cheesball love - they set me up online because they knew I’d think it was hilarious.
I feel like I have so much to say about this entire situation. I’m trying really hard to annotate all my thoughts. (deep breath) Ok.
Firstly….
Ok. I’m not even sure where to start. Ok. So much giggling over here.
Let’s start with their UNCANNY ability to write a profile for me. Online dating attempts to narrow your personality into a handful of question responses. Quirky, individual, witty responses that help you find your soulmate. Or something along those lines. Here is what they wrote in response for the following profile questions. Note that the responses OWN in every way possible.
The six things I could never do without: Incredible homemade meals. hilarious things that my adorable nuggets say. human interaction. hilarious 80s pop culture references. dancing in my kitchen to good tunes, and by good tunes I mean Whitney Houston, and Hall/Oates. oh, and beergaritas.
Or, how about this one:
What I’m doing with my life: Enlightening adorable kids on the wonders of the natural world… having adventures in Denver via cruiser bike gang… cooking up some delicious foods. Leading Steve Winwood dance parties. Pretty much just livin’ the dream.
Well I’ll be god-damned. These ladies really hit the nail on the head, eh? Am I that transparent? Anyways, so proud over here.
Unrepeatable accuracy aside, I’d like to shoot straight on over to the most important topic. My “matches.”
This here is DenverDave. Dave is “unfortunatly delivery pizzas untill I get a real job again.” I’m not sure if Dave realizes that he looks like a rapist. Maybe rapists don’t even realize that they look like rapists.
This here is ronjr1978. His favorite movies are “Bad Boys Bad Boys II and anything with Will Smith in it.” I wonder if Ron realizes that the popularity of his style of necklace piqued in the late 1990s.
Trevor here says “As far as music goes I am one of them “I listen to everything” people, but the tops on my list of artists would be, Social D, Rage against the machine, Christina Aguilera, Jason Mraz, Pink, Home Grown, Gutter Mouth, And the man in black johnny Cash.”
I wonder if Trev realizes that his shirt makes him look like a rapist. Either the shirt does, or the cranial abnormality. Or maybe just both.
Mindfreak1 here says his friday nights usually consist of him “chillen in the hot tub or shooting pool at local bars”
I severely considered writing on this photo “great clawfoot tub!” And I still just might do it.
Now to be fair, there aren’t only Cro Magnons and skeezballs on the site. I got plenty of messages from guys who look normal, like this guy:
Not bad, right?
Well, his was my favorite message, which was:
“Your profile makes you seem like a pretty cool down to earth girl, someone I could relate to as an equal. I bet you have a lot of guys begging for your attention, I am different. I don’t beg unless your in high heels and holding a whip. When should I expect you to come by and tease me with that body of yours?”
Very adorable! I can’t wait to rsvp for his invite to genital herpes. Such a keeper!
Ray here thinks my profile picture is gorgeous, and would like to meet in person. He lives in Las Vegas, Nevada but is open to travel for love. He enjoys “romantic nights at home, cuddling, and just having a blast together.” I’m sure that involves him spooning women on a lumpy futon in the stale living room of his basement-level apartment while watching Nicholas Cage movies and cramming his boner in the small of their back. (*shudders*)
I….it’s just that….he just…he….it’s like he….I….ewwww.
Listen dude, you look like you come from a 1987 PSA about sexual harassment.
Now come on guys, I know what you’re thinking. But you are wrong! Not everyone on OKCupid is a degenerate.
…..Ok. Maybe you were right.
I feel like this is a situation where I could probably write for another hour, but I’ve been sifting through weeks of messages on this dreadful site and quite frankly I’m emotionally drained. If you are a woman considering online dating, please. Please. Please use this as a moral compass. Did you really think there was anything better online?
Nah, I didn’t think so either.
