blogging with the ferocity of ten fiery eagles.
Listen. It’s 3:01am.
I probably won’t tell this story in the morning, so I’ll tell it now because it deserves to be told before my morals come in to play.
First, Ashley #1 told us all to go to the worst bar ever. People singing karaoke to Creed, with scrolly-decal tshirts and hair gel. I had a panic attach in said bar, so we had to leave because I was overwhelmed by douche-ness.
On the way back to the car, we had to walk down an alley.
The alley had three homeless people sleeping, covered in blankets pressed against a warehouse building.
My friend Ashley #2 hopped over the slumbering people, and said “pilloowwwwwwwwfiiiiiiighhhhhhht!!!!!”
I know it’s not funny because I actually get concerned about the amount of homeless people in our country, but it’s really funny because she said “pillowfight” over people sleeping at 10:00 pm on the street.
I don’t know, I’m sorry. I also found a wallet on the street and I called the girl to return it to her, so I feel like laughing at the homeless incident was negated by my good deed.
Ihave to go to bed now, the neighbors just yelled at us for being too loud.
If I had capybaras, I'd do this shit to them all day, everyday. After we spent most of the morning cuddling, of course.
weep weep weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
…an encounter that National Geographic photographer Paul Nicklen had with a giant leopard seal in Antarctica who, over the course of four days, fed penguins to his camera and tried to teach him how to catch prey.
McKenzie and the sweater.
Today, I was reminded that 8 year olds can get away with things that adults could NEVER do. They can do things that are incredibly creepy and not be looked down upon for it. I mean, not like mail-hair-in-an-envelope creepy, but you get the drift.
Today we had a meeting with all of the third graders about bullying on the playground. I was sitting there, watching the other lead teachers talk about playground safety, when I started to burn up because of all the little body heaters around me. I was wearing a tank top and a wool sweater, so I pulled my sweater off and put it beside me.
A few minutes later, I looked down to realize that my sweater was gone. I turned further, and noticed McKenzie, and crazy-haired, Beyonce singing, 3rd grader……with my sweater…..balled up…….and pressed against her nose.
I stared at her in disbelief for what felt like several seconds. Our eyes had not yet met, and I was waiting to see her reaction. She pulled the sweater out from under her nose, and then would return it again. She was officially sniffing my sweater.
McKENZIE!
Her eyes widened, and she looked right at me.
I had a huge smile on my face because it was all so ridiculous. She started smiling, and said “Whaaaat!?!”
“Girl. Pull it together. Quit smelling my clothes, you creep.”
I snatched the sweater from her hands.
I just picture this scenario happening with one of my dude friends. Or my uncle. Or the custodian who cleans my classroom.
Taken out of the context that it happened, it could get much more disastrous. But regardless, an 8 year old smelling your sweater isn’t comforting in any manner.
Creep.
How We Lit Up Someone's (Aijah's) Day, by Michele and Alyssa
Step One:
First, we addressed an empty envelope to our friend Aijah.
Step Two:
Then Michele gave Alyssa a haircut. We placed her hair trimmings in the envelope. We did not include any form of correspondence. Then we sealed the envelope.
Step Three:
The we feigned skepticism, smiled, and placed envelope in the mail.
Step Four:
We waited.
Step Five:
We received a very satisfying thank you reply from Aijah.
The End.
(510): i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgotten about me
those god damned isrealis get to have all the fucking fun. this is on my bucket list, y’all.
I mean, never has avoiding predators been so breathtaking. Plus, I’d like to see the amount of shit that comes of out those starlings. It’s got to be monumentous.
I’ve spent almost my entire sick day looking at and buying things off of Etsy. God, how I love Etsy.
While browsing the handmade necklaces, I stumbled across these vulva pendants. You can special order them, and the “artist” will make one to resemble your beef curtains exactly.
Click on the photo for a link to the site.
I’m not a girl that gets offended very often, but the thought of someone wearing labia around their neck is absurd. If I ever saw someone wearing one of these I’d probably punch them in the throat.
shop here on etsy.
mostly i just get free shipping on my new order if I link to their site.
Last night, I had a dream, and in said dream, I was watching this show. I used to LOVE this show in high school, and haven’t really thought about it since then. Who knows why it showed itself from deep in the archives of my cranium, but now I’m wondering where my VHS of the movie is.
Snow Days = Home Improvement.
We used the snow days as an excuse to finally rid our lives of the flesh-colored/nausea-inducing walls in our upstairs bathroom. Cristy and I would complain daily about the peachy color, so we headed to Home Depot and picked a new color. Even though we rent the house, the investment was well worth it for the sake of our mental sanity. No one understands the psychiatric toll peach walls can do to someone. They just don’t understand.
Who knew that $11 and 30 minutes could fulfill all your wildest bathroom dreams!
I also refinished this shitty nightstand that I’ve had since middle school. It used to be this shitty light pine fiberboard, so I painted it/shabby chic’d the fuck out of it to look significantly more awesome than it used to.
Additionally, in an effort to make our house look less like an insane asylum, I hung up some stuff in the dining room.
You know those infomercials for the collapsible stepladder? Well, if you buy one of those stepladders, you get this tool with a red laser/level combo that helps you hang pictures in a straight row. I needed a red laser level combo situation as I was getting assaulted by a tape measure, holding four nails in my mouth, and trying to hold a pencil and mark on the wall at the same time. I seriously looked like someone featured in an infomercial, where they are filmed in black and white and are struggling to do everyday tasks like blow dry their hair or wear a blanket and answer the phone. Needless to say, I have never wanted something from an infomercial so badly.
Except for the magic bullet. I feel like I could chop the shit out of whatever I wanted in just two minutes! (And if I call now, I could get a SECOND magic bullet FREE!)
